Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Depression – The Bad Days

A new, and scary, anger emerged during my latest bout of depression. I'm so angry at God for allowing me to go through it, and frightened to express or even acknowledge that anger. But if he loves me as much as I've been taught he does, how could he make me suffer like that? Why did he not protect me from the people who were supposed to protect me but abused me instead? How can he stand by now when I sink deeper and deeper? I feel abandoned in a way I don't remember feeling ever before. Feeling abandoned by God, whom I love so much, whom I depend on, whom I want to serve in any way I can – that's an indescribable pain. How can I go on without him in my life? And if I do admit to the anger, then surely he will punish me by withdrawing completely. But then, in the Book of Job, I find permission to express my anger, following Job's example: "Therefore I will not restrain my mouth; I will speak in the anguish of my spirit; I will complain in the bitterness of my soul." Yes, my soul is bitter. I think I can accept that for now, and accept that I feel as if God has left me. Even Jesus felt forsaken by him at the end, and yet he didn't reject his Father.

That's how I feel on really bad days.


  1. Since I don't write, I will cop some lines:

    This is the Hour of Lead —
    Remembered, if outlived,
    As freezing persons recollect the Snow —
    First — Chill — then Stupor — then the letting go —

    Emily Dickinson

  2. And if you want to find somebody else who yells at God, take a walk through the Psalms....